It’s 2am in the morning. Don’t ask. I have poor habits. Yes, I stay up late, use my phone in bed, I pop gum, skip breakfast, bite my fingernails, do emotional shopping, talk to myself, watch reality TV…whoa, whoa, whoa! Chew that. I’d like to think am someone’s dream girl right now without having to change a thing but that’s wishful thinking I guess. However, am glad I don’t talk during movies or pick my nose in public or (this is funny) bite the ends of my pen. Gotcha! Bet you weren’t even aware some of these things are bad habits. Clearly, am no match for your level of ignorance.


I didn’t say nothing. Don’t squint at me.

So as I was saying, yes, we’re already at the wee hours of the morning and I can’t explain how I went from watching 10 Minutes Abs Workout to Reasons The Weekend Broke Up With Selena. History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce and then… I ran out of ideas. Save that moment of silence. First things first. This is why I talk people out of these nonsenses sijui couple goals mara relationship goals ati future goals. Nkt. Go read Mathew Hussey. Or should I buy you The Five Love Languages? I cannot service your devoir to feel caressed with inspiration here, you undriven conglomeration. In seriousness though, my hands are tied.

If most of the above sound like gibberish to you, then you are not one of the 2 billion fans who avidly stalk these celebrities and speak the language: ‘Abella’ ‘Abelena’ ‘Jelena’ ‘Zerrie’ ‘Zigi’ et al. Don’t feel bad. It’s allowed.

Gossip aside.

One of the reasons I go to church is because of a guy I once met. I know, I know, scandalous right? Probably the reason I won’t go to heaven. Don’t judge. My soul is still searching for salvation.

To save time on the histrionics, lemme just say time really flew and before we knew it, we’d fallen head over heels in love with each other. At least that’s what I thought! Maybe it was too early to start wearing matching hoodies with crazy messages but the daily convos we held gave me the idea that my ship was being steered to the right direction. I found the Clyde to my Bonnie!

In case anyone is this far in and thinks they have an idea what this is about, wait until I surprise you. I’m not a scorned woman writing this post. And yeah, I had someone. And he did completely screw me over. But I promise I no longer carry baggage. So bitch be humble, sit down. This is not me am talking about and it ain’t you either. Yes, you who hasn’t given me permission to share your story.

As I was saying, I sort of have a thing for guys who are born again. And I mean saved. Just making sure. You know this world of today. I believe those closer to God have the capacity to bring you aboard and what a joy to sail together as a couple in the Lords ordained boat of salvation! You see, that’s where we all get it wrong. Just because he’s hooked to Christ doesn’t mean he’s perfect. Ask Elizabeth 1 she’ll tell you those who appear sanctified are the worst. With all due respect, I mean no disrespect. If you haven’t broken any of the 10 commandments, fine. Stop bleating. As I said, this is not your story.

One minute you’re holding hands, shopping together, cussing out how much you love each other and the next you’re alone. Wondering why you’d been sweeping all the red flags under the carpet. The realisation kind of distorts your thinking. You move from over thinking to not thinking straight to not thinking at all. Whom do you turn to, when you lost almost everyone when you decided to side with the devil?

Looks like you need a shoulder right about this moment. Good thing am here.

So darling, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, okay? As you’re busy kissing frogs trying to find your Prince, God is prepping him for a life with you. He’s orchestrating your paths to perfectly align. It may not be all la vie en rose as Edith Piaf promised but trust me it’ll be totally worth it. As at the moment, make your mistakes. Because if you’re making mistakes, then you’re learning. So keep learning.

Side note: Please don’t look for me for any relationship advice, I’m not qualified.

I can see the flash of defiance sparkling in your eyes. We’re all rockstar daters here, but who wouldn’t use a few extra tips?

If you made it this far thanks for sticking to the end.


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